Sometimes we never really know what we want; sometimes we just accept what comes around..

They say that when you blog, you have to write something that helps people. You have to have some good content, something that actually would have a relevance to the readers. I don't know. I have always thought about blogging so people would want to read them. But as you could see, I have not really written anything useful and I only have two followers.

My post are just mostly about myself. But isn't it the point of all this? You write so you could speak your mind and also vent out all the frustrations and all other ill feelings. My point I guest is, no matter how many people will read my blogs, or even if no one will read them at all, I don't care. I just want to write. After all, this is my blog.

Right now, I don't really know where I stand. I mean, I know someone who loves me dearly without judging me (that's a different story). But in every thing else, I don't know anymore. I feel like I don't really have friends. I only have colleagues. I don't know if my career choices are exactly where I want to be. I don't know if where I am at right is exactly where I am meant to go. I am not certain anymore.

Remember when we were young, our teachers at school used to ask us what we want to be when we grow. They want us to compose something out of what we want to be ten years after. When I was young, I always wanted to be a nurse. I always say I want to be a nurse someday. That influence was from my Tiya Helen who lives in America and who helps the whole family whenever there is a need for financial support. Now, I wonder, if I stayed on track with that dream and I became a nurse, would I have been happier? Would my life have more meaning? I don't know. I was admitted in a hospital once and the nurse's duty is not exactly what I wanted to do. They always have to please the patients. If only all patients are nice. I could probably survive being a nurse. But people are not nice, most of them. There will always be people who would look down on you and speak ill of you even if you have done so many nice things for them. So yeah, I am a little glad that I did not become a nurse.

There's this other dream of mine. I used to say if I can't be a nurse, I will become a professional badminton player. What a dream. In the Philippines, if you dream like that, your parents must be really rich. You could afford to go to Manila for months of training and pay for your own lodging and food, and most of all you can afford not to work for a living. Sports is not exactly a priority in this country. There is very little support for poor aspiring athletes. So that is a no no as well.

In high school, I got so fascinated with the study of human behavior. I wanted to much to learn more about humans that when I got to college, I took up Psychology. I had lots of fun there. I made some friends. I met a lot of people. But I never really studied well to get really high grades and get good paying jobs after. Now I don't work in that field and I have forgotten all my lessons back then. So that was not my best decision ever.

After college, I did try applying for some jobs related to my course, but those companies prefer the ones that did good at school. They prefer the ones who graduated with flying colors. So I did not push my luck with them and instead, I tried applying for outsourcing jobs. Not to boast, I do speak good English so I got in. I got in a very good program too. I passed some trainings and exams so I got in a program where we do technical support for Dell computers. There I learned everything about computer. I learned to disassemble and reassemble computers. I know how the thing works. I know what makes it work. I discovered something new. Not only did I learn to troubleshoot computer problems, I also learned that I love computers. I did not know back then. I did not know because I never had a computer when I was in high school. I never knew because I have not spent much time on computers. I could not afford it before. Now I relay so much on computers. I fix my friends' problems with their computers. I did have a good training but I don't have any proof that I am good at it. So if I want to continue working in this field, I would have to go back to school and get certifications that I know how computers work and I know how to fix problems with them. So this is also another problem. I don't have the budget and the time to go back to school.

Now I work for Unionbank. It's a really good company. My position is nice. I don't work nights anymore and I get to be like a regular person again. I get to sleep at night and wake up in the morning like normal people. I am very thankful for my two ate's who got me in this company. They have supported me and trained me well in the products that we support in the bank. I can say I am an expert in some products, and a noob in others. I still have a lot to learn. I love it here so much. It's a different field. It's a different learning experience. But I still feel there is a lot more I can do. I am feeling that I have to do something else. I mean what more can I ask for? God loves me so much that He gave me this great job. But I still feel like God wants me to do more. I feel like there is still so much out there that I could explore and it would make me a better person. It would make me someone that would make a difference.

Currently, I have plans to go abroad. I have this good friend of mine that told me what to do and is willing to help me out when I get to Abu Dhabi. Right now I am still working for the bank. But I have already started to work my papers out. My passport is ready. I have gone to my college school to get my TOR and Diploma. We sent them to DFA in Manila so that they will have red ribbons on them instead of the regular green ribbons. Red ribbons mean that you are illegible to work abroad. They will be released tomorrow. DHL will get them for me. Then using DHL's service again, they are gonna send my papers to the UAE embassy and then those papers will be attested. After that, my friend who is already in Abu Dhabi will get us a Tourist Visa. So all this might take a month and by April we will be ready to go. My friend will submit my resume to different companies there once we have a fixed arrival date. So all that is already set, I can go abroad and work there. But..

I love Unionbank and the company has done so much for me that I feel that I still need to stay and do more for them. I have come to love the people here even if I don't think they really look at me as a friend. I don't know if going to Abu Dhabi is the right thing for me. I don't if this is the answer to all my prayers and unease. I don't know what is waiting for me out there. I don't know if this is gonna do me good. I know there are lots of jobs waiting out there. But I am not certain that I will get a good one. Suddenly as days passed and it is getting nearer our target date to go, I am anxious. I am anxious not because I don't want to go or I am afraid of the unknown. I am anxious because I don't know if this is what's gonna get me to be contented with where I am at.I don't know if this is what I really want. I don't know if this is where I am suppose to go.

I often pray for help. God helped me. He gave me the means to go abroad. He gave me my Tiya Helen and made her agree to lend me a hundred thousand pesos to be able to process my papers and go to Abu Dhabi and survive a month there until I find a job. So that was the first sign. I think He wants me to go. God knows how much I have prayed for signs. So I guess, I am not really meant to stay here in my current company or in this country. Maybe, just maybe God wants me to carry out some of my plans and dreams. Those dreams are not for myself anyway. They will be for my family and the society where my family lives in. Maybe this is the way to carry out my plans to help others. Maybe I will take this as a sign that to make a difference, I would have to be away and help others from where I am at.

One day, I am gonna build a blog. A new blog, something that will probably make a difference and help it's readers. That day might now be so far away...

I hope it's not too late..

They say musicians, poets, authors and the like are at their best when they are at their lowest situations in their lives. I am not a poet or any person who deserve such nice titles. I am merely someone who does not have the courage to speak what one feels and decides to just put everything into writing. I don't care even if noone reads what I write. I just want to write what I cannot spell out.

Last week was a very stressful week for me. It started over the weekend when I heard my uncle was rushed to the hospital and it got worse when I learned what the doctors' diagnosis were. My uncle got leptospirosis. It's a diseased usually if you are in the Philippines, carried by rats. My uncle tried to clean up a clogged drainage near their home and it was dirty and full of rats. My uncle probably never thought of the dangers he was exposing himself into. He had some wounds in his fingers and that's what probably caused everything. Leptospirosis happens when you have open wounds and your skin gets in contact with substances that contains that bacteria that causes that disease. In my uncle's case, he probably accidentally spilt some dirt from the drainage on his hands that had wounds. He started to have fever and he could not move his feet. Mobilization were almost impossible. So my cousins decided to admit him to the hospital. I visited him that night. He was so anxious. He is getting frustrated because he feels like peeing but he could not pee. He is sleepy but he could not sleep. He keeps tossing in bed and keeps going on and on asking what's happening to him. Overall he sounded and looked fine. We were waiting for the results of the laboraty test to come in the morning so we could check if it's really leptospirosis. I went home that night praying for the best.

The morning came, I got a text from my sister telling me that my uncle is negative of the leptospirosis bacteria. I became happy and thought to myself he would be fine. But my sister called after a few hours telling me my uncle's bloodpressure dropped too low and that the doctors are all over his room helping him. I went to the hospital right away. It's one of those moments you keep seeing in movies. It's like these moments in movies that you never thought would happen to you. When I arrived everyone was already crying and worried about his situation. Machines had to be connected to him so he could continue to breathe and he could live. But that's all there is to it. He already had three cardiac arrests. He could live but he will be in a coma and only the machines and medicines would keep him alive. There is nothing more we can do. So the family had to make the hardest decision ever. We have to let him go. No matter how much we would want him to stay, there is no use keeping him hooked with the machines and make him suffer. So we called up his siblings and made them talk to him. Even if he was in a coma, we held the phone on his ears and gave his siblings a chance to say goodbye. That was it. It was the end of his life. Just like that, he was taken away from us.

I hated the fact that I could not do something about it. If I could trade his life to mine, I would have done it. I felt like he had a lot to live for. If only I could give him a chance to extend his life.

I never thought it would be him who will go first. He was a very tough guy. I always thought of him as the toughest. I always thought he was invincible. I always thought all of them would last forever you know. But he is gone and someday my parents will be too. This makes me realize how true the saying is: life is short. It is indeed short. It was short for my uncle who's daughter is eight months pregnant and is gonna have a baby girl. He won't be able to see her. Too short for him his son is supposed to be married this twenty-fourth.

Why did he have to go? Why was it his time all of a sudden? Is this really how it is? We don't know when it is time and so we have to be ready to go all the time? I don't think I will ever be ready. I don't think I will ever be ready for a love one to go. Life is never fair. Suddenly someone is taken away from you and you have not even told that person that you care.

If you are reading this, I want you to know you matter to me. I care for every being in this world. I love everyone. I hope it's not too late for you to say you care for your love one too.

I love you Tiyo Edgar. I am sorry I was never able to tell you that. I hope you know this now. I am thankful for you, for those years you were there for all of us. Thank you for being part of my life.