People often say it is better to stay in your own comfort zone. Going outside it means entering the unknown. This has always been the main reason I am always doubtful about myself. I don't know what I want to do with my life - I have been trying so hard to stay in my comfort zone. Though I don't really know what it is exactly that comprises my comfort zone. I guess being in a regular job and staying in the Philippines is one. It was due to fear that prompted me to stay in my first job for a long time and it was due to fear of having nothing in the future that prompted me to take the new job that was offered to me last year. Now I am in this second job and I could say I have always done my best and performed well in my responsibilities. I am assuming this is the best place to be and right now, I actually don't want to ever get out of here. I love my job and I have come to love everyone in the company. I am beginning to feel I belong here. But life has it's funny ways of mocking us. It is always ironic. You don't get what you want and you get what you don't want.
You see if you have been reading my previous posts, I often have talked about my family (my so big family), how I overspent before (which I have learned the hard way), how hard life is (the family is depending on me), and how going abroad might be the best solution to this everyday-getting-worst problem. Yes, I thought about going abroad so many times and yet I have never worked out my papers because I did not really want to go. But I have so many people at home depending on me. I don't want my parents to get sick and I need to give them more allowance for their daily supplements. I have nine nephews and nieces whose parents are not so lucky with getting decent jobs and I don't want them to starve or have a hard time growing up either so I have to step up for them. My income here is just not enough for me, my family in the country and my recreational stuff. I have had to give up some things so I could exchange them for cash and send it to my family. I am not saying that they are all just leaving things up to me. I want to help as much as I can and there just no one else to go to. My big sister is doing the same too. She sends most of her income to our parents and the kids. But she is getting older and older and if she keeps doing that, she will never get to start a family of her own. If she will, then I will be left to support my family and what I have would not be enough. I will be in a lot of debt than what I am in now. Every payday, I struggle so hard to budget my money and it is always not enough. So I try hard to find other sources of income which often leads me to selling underground stuff like cellphones and computers that would get me in prison if caught. I admit, money is easy with all those stuff that I sold. But like how easy it is to get them, it is also easy for them to spend. I had to give most of my shares to my family at home. And this has been the cycle of my life every month. I had to work, sell illegally, then send money to the family. Plus I have to pay some bills. Bills that are a result of my foolishness when I first started earning my own money.
So with all those problems that I have to deal with, I have considered all my options. I can't keep selling illegal stuff. I can't keep getting caught into this rat race (this was a term I learned in one of my attempts at starting a business). I have to try looking for other options. I have to try looking for a bigger income. I've had a lot of sleepless nights and headaches spent contemplating on what's best. One part of me keeps convincing me that everything will just subside if I give it more time. I did and it never did. So I prayed and prayed for guidance. I prayed for God to help me out, give me a way of solving my problems. This I can always guarantee, just ask and God will give it. Though it might not be exactly what you want, but it is what you need. God answered my prayers. A friend of mine offered to help me get out of the Philippines. I was educated on what I needed to do and what will happen if I did them. It gave me hope. It gave my parents hope too. So I pushed through with my plans and started to work out my papers. The whole process finished smoothly and what's left was to find some cash. My Aunt Helen lent me the money to pay for the fair and at least get a one month head start. Everything was ready and still I hesitated. I knew it was the only way. But I still wanted to stay in my current job. I stayed for a couple months more and then my mum started getting sick too. My parents started to quarrel due to lack of money and I could not take that. I can never take that. I don't want any arguments about money. So I gathered up my strength and contacted that friend of mine and we decided to book the tickets. Now the tickets are booked and I had to resign. This is it. There is not turning back now.
I am basically writing this right now because I am too ashamed of myself. I am the newest employee here in the office and I am resigning already. I don't really have to explain myself to anyone but I want to anyway because I don't want anyone to think that I am being selfish. I am trying to give up everything that I have here. I am going outside of my comfort zone and step out in to the unknown. I am going to put my position in the company to waste to go out there and try to search for a higher salary from a job that I don't even know I am going to get.
To my Unionbank family, I want you to know that being here and knowing each one of you has been one of the best experiences I have in my life. I can't believe I am giving up the chance the know you all more. I can consider all of you my friend. I love you all and I am sorry that I had to leave so soon.
Char. Bitaw. Tinuod ni. I am in tears as I am typing this. Char nsd. Take care always and please know that I will try my best to know how everyone is doing. So please keep me posted sad :)
P.S. This is a very sad post but I am happy all the same. It's my birthday after all. Happy birthday to me!!!
